This is another post from an old blog.
“I ain’t shit. You knew what it was when you met me.”
These words, in some variation or another, were uttered to me rather often towards the end of my relationship with (ex)Boyfriend. It wasn’t until [a now deleted tweet regarding declarations of “I ain’t shit”] came across my timeline that I really began to examine the notion of self-identifying as ain’t shit. There are degrees of ain’t shitness, and nuanced ways of applying this descriptor to people. There’s the way I tell someone they ain’t shit when they crack a joke that pushes me to my limits of incredulity and I laugh so hard I nearly pee my pants. And, there’s the announcement I often make that the Metropolitan Transit Authority of New York ain’t shit (they really ain’t shit half the time). When I examine ain’t shitness as pathology, I don’t mean casual references to someone or something being unreliable, unworthy of my (or your) time, or over-the-top extra funny.
What I mean when I talk about ain’t shitness as pathology is the idea that your ain’t shitness means you are not required to grow, do better, or be responsible for the shit you do to other people. That somehow, this means the people in your life are required to overlook your toxicity and dysfunction in lieu of calling your attention to it … and holding you accountable in any meaningful way for it. I say this as someone who’s made their own self improvement paramount; I check in with myself regularly.
I suppose, though, that limited self awareness is part of ain’t shitness. It has to be, right? In order for the declaration of “I ain’t shit” to work, the speaking party must be in touch with themselves to some degree or another (usually a combination of internalized notions of worth and an understanding of socially acceptable ways of being). The way I see it, that surface-level self-awareness is deceptive and seductive. The person is telling you that they own their shit, recognize it, or are working on it. This sounds hella good. You’ve recognized something about them that makes it harder for you to have the relationship you wanna have with them. Or you’ve seen some behavior that frightens the shit out of you, and you keep hoping they’ll get it together enough for you to stick around. Unfortunately, the idea of someone changing for you is bullshit and doesn’t actually mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Chances are they can be inspired by you, change for themselves and maintain shit, while changing because you want them to is a resentment-filled disaster in the making. (I’ll give you a moment to process that; I’m still reminding myself of it so I don’t fuck around and disappoint myself.)
They tell you they know what their problem is, and name every last quirk and dysfunction. You church stomp, revel in their awareness, and eat it up … then you wait. You wait for them to make the moves necessary to grow. They don’t. The same old shit comes up. You tell them how you feel, what you think, what you’d like to see happen. They respond, “what did you expect? I ain’t shit anyway.” You sigh, roll your eyes, and say, “I love you and think you can do better.” They still don’t/ won’t ain’t even thinkin’ about doing better. Why?
Because the pathology of ain’t shitness usually means they’re waiting on a redemptive love to pick them up off the floor and dust them the fuck off. They want your love to do the heavy fucking lifting, boo. We know love is patient and kind and all those biblical things (probably the truest shit in the whole remixed book, in my opinion). Here you are, someone’s acting absolutely insufferably toward you, telling you BECAUSE THEY KNOW what’s wrong with them on some level, you’re not allowed to be shocked or surprised or demand better. No. Wait. That’s really how we’re doin’ shit out here in these streets? Their honesty, selective as it is, means somehow you just gotta thug it out with their miserable abusive bullshit … because you love them? Loving them hasn’t got a goddamn thing to do with a functional relationship, let me just say that. So, when someone runs to defend their actions with “I’ve always been this way,” please take into consideration that change – even on a molecular level – happens all of the fucking time. Also, consider the fact that this declaration of ain’t shitness very well may be a way of saying “I fear that growing out of this behavior pattern will prove futile and you’ll leave me anyway, so let me shit on you as much as possible now.” It could mean that they are comfortable within this dysfunction and do not see the value in changing.
A lot to ponder, yes? I know. Go ahead and take a minute.
Minute done? Okay.
The pathology of ain’t shitness is also a self-fulfilling prophecy. “I am unloved because I ain’t shit,” “I’m as unchosen as end bread because I ain’t shit,” “I am always alone because I ain’t shit,” “I can’t keep a job because I ain’t shit.” All of that. They expect those outcomes and help create them, too. Instead of asking simply for support around changing their ways (not saying everyone in your life is gonna have your back, but maybe you need new companions!), these ain’t shit folk will just keep with the same old. I acknowledge that it’s hard to grow out of such dysfunction. Perhaps the first place to start is with the self-identification, though. What have you learned about yourself that makes you believe all this shit is true? What have you experienced that reinforces this notion of your ain’t shitness? What contributes to the pathology? Who do you say you are, and why?
Instead of “I ain’t shit,” maybe “I’m learning to be about some shit” is suitable. I can’t say for anyone but myself.
I just know I’ve seen a pattern. And if I’m going to get free, I won’t act like there aren’t levels to this shit.